if he doesn’t like your fruit puns you need to let that mango
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Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.