If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
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Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
Bloke outside my window has had his car engine running for about 20 minutes now, while jazz plays loudly on the radio within. Just in case you were wondering what I’ll be citing as “mitigating circumstances”.
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
“If you approach a bear in the woods, lie down and play dead” – brilliant rumor started by lazy bears
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Good morning
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
If I had a nickel for every time I had a nickel I would just continue getting nickels until I had all the nickels.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
ME: *unbuttoning shirt* Sorry, it’s hot in here and I’m really nervous.
INTERVIEWER: I understand but please stop unbuttoning my shirt.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
There’s an alternate universe where we are together and finally happy.
And I probably forgot to take out the trash there, too.
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Me: there there. No need for ugly crying
Him: I’m not crying
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”