If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
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Absence didn’t work what else ya got?
peak technology
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married