if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
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I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
plot twist: satan sold his soul to me
I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
You ever randomly hear your mom singing ‘Candy Shop’ and then die a little inside?
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
The most shocking part of Luigi’s manifesto is when he says he’s not the most qualified person to lay out the problems with the healthcare system. I’ve never heard a man describe himself as unqualified for anything.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
*thinks of joining gym tomorrow*
*celebrates the thought with a pizza*
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
[couples therapy]
Me: And then he used a metal spatula on my brand new non-stick pan!
Therapist: *gasps* You’re a monster.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
People ask you, “are you crazy”, and then get scared when you answer, “yes”.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
i did the math
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.