if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
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it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
Oh baby, were not going to need a ‘do not disturb’ sign. We’re going to need a ‘please don’t call the police were fine’ sign.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
☠️ ☠️
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
This isn’t going to end well for you.
– me, alone in the house, to the loaf of banana bread on the counter
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.