If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
You Might Also Like
the hippothalmus is the part of the brain that controls how hungry hungry you get
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
ZOOKEEPER: So this female python is our oldest snake here at the zoo
ME: *way too loud* A granaconda
ZOOKEEPER: *pulling out his tazer* look away kids
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
I feel attacked.
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Scientists says humans are the most evolved, but bears get to get fat all summer and then sleep for 4 months, so who’s really ahead
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.