If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
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Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
“Square up your hips.”
“Alright.”
“Your elbows need to come up.”
“Is all this really necessary?”
“Have you seen the news?”
“No.”
“They’re coming for us, Sid.”
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.