Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter told me to go put on an Elsa cape (from frozen) and when I told her I didn’t have one she said very threateningly “well then you’d better get one”. It’s like I’m raising a little disney obsessed tony soprano

FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.

Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY

Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.

*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.

Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.

– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”

Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.

[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”

I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.

My teen is asking for noise-cancelling headphones like I’m going to give him the gift of ignoring me better

[On the way home from school pick-up]

Me: So, what did you do at school today?

9: I burned down everything that exists.

5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?

9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.

Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.

When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things

It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.

me: how was school?

son: i got in trouble today

me: what for?

son: kung fu fighting

me: wow I’m so disappointed

son: but everybody was doing it

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.

Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.

Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.

Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death

Gladiator: Hell yeah

Madiator: well this is bullshit

tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness

me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this

if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.

*picks up rotary phone*

Nine (ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta)
One (ta)

Murderer: Lol

After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.

Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”

Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.

I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?