If he pauses a video game to text you, he’s probably already losing, no need to feel special or anything,

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One hamburger please

CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here

*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please


It’s hilarious that people still asking me to write for exposure. I died of exposure MONTHS AGO! My corpse is rotting on the Oregon Trail!!!


Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic


“What are you doing? Are you writing down everything I’m saying?! IS THIS GONNA BE A SONG?!?!” -anyone dating Taylor Swift


That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”


Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.


I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)


I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.


I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’


*helping son with math problem*

[hour later]