@naderdagher

If he pauses a video game to text you, he’s probably already losing, no need to feel special or anything,

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@QwertyJones3

One hamburger please

CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here

Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please

@laurenduca

It’s hilarious that people still asking me to write for exposure. I died of exposure MONTHS AGO! My corpse is rotting on the Oregon Trail!!!

@neiltyson

Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic

@AaronFullerton

“What are you doing? Are you writing down everything I’m saying?! IS THIS GONNA BE A SONG?!?!” -anyone dating Taylor Swift

@Thedudish

That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”

@sir_shithead_I

Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.

@ohpegah

I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)

Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)

@ddsmidt

I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.

@causticbob

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’

@clindsaysway

*helping son with math problem*

[hour later]

JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!