Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.

Warden: Have you completed your analysis?

Me: After poring over the data, your prison has some pros. And lots of cons LOL

Warden: I’m not paying you

Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.

Social butterfly? Nah.

I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.

[being chased by killer]

ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*

Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.

I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid

I can’t afford one of those copper bracelets for pain so I just swallow a few pennies a day

This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣

Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out

Random person: Did you try searching the internet?

“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”

Miscakes

all bases covered

Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?

*Biden raises hand*

Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?

*Biden lowers hand*

Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…

Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”

I’m like American Cheese.

Krafty and oh so single.

Also terrible for you.

New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.

Remember if a company says “we’re like a family here” they don’t mean like a nice TV family they mean like a normal family where everyone has undiagnosed mental health issues and no one likes each other.

Me: objection your honour!

Judge : sustained

Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper

INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?

ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

[At home school reunion]

“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”

My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything

My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”

My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.

If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them

To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.