Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.

God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.

[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover

This classic never gets old . . .

I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.

My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??

I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.

Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.

look, a three-day weekend once a month is all i ask. the rest can be four-day weekends

When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing

Reasons to jump:

1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you

My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.

Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.

I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”

My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself

Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.

[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”

-Steve Harvey M.D.

Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*

Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December

What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?

No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.

Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.

Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps

your quarterback name is your grandfather’s first name and the last thing you did mine’s Dom Paintwall. ok you go

Dietest Coke

If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.

[on a date]

Him: I love the law.

Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.

I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return

[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes

Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone