Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.

Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.

Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long

Me: yeah that was on purpose

Pot warmers of the day.

Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”

Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-

*saxophone solo*

INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.

Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?

Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous

Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?

The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”

I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.

My neighbor is handing out hot dogs, Kit Kats & Pez. When a group of kids arrives I’ll yell “They’re eating the dogs! They’re eating the Kats! They’re eating the Pez of the people who live there!”

I had been watching a tv series with the subtitles on & when it got to The Big Dramatic Lovemaking Scene after a whole lot of episodes & the 2 main characters FINALLY began to kiss, the subtitle said “smooches.” I laughed so hard I nearly fell out of my chair.

I just checked Web MD and I have everything

Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are

I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.

Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?

Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.

Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.

Naked and Afraid. But it’s just me using the shower at my gym.

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.

Why is it when I buy something a size up and want it to shrink it stays exactly the same size. But when I buy something that fits perfectly it comes out of the dryer looking like it was made for a small child? I’m pretty sure it’s a conspiracy by Big Textile.

If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.

BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home

ME: *slips him some money*

BOUNCER: What’s this?

ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you

ㅤ

Thanks to a fan for this one.

If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”

My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.

Me: I’m not getting older. I’m getting bitter.
Autocorrect: Did you mean “better”?
Me: No.

Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere

So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?