Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever

Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?

Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy

accurate

Forcibly throwing positive energy your way out of spite.

Him: What’s another word for pee?

Her: Urinate.

Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.

in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down

[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.

It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.

the correct way to spell “hats” is HATS because it’s all caps

me: come back to my place?

her: sure

me: it’s not haunted

her: what

me: no ghosts

“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard

Everyone in the gym on January 1st

Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today

*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*

Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.

My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.

Allegiant airlines charges for a glass of water but you know what’s free? Ice. Now we wait.

I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.

– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.

ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol

SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from

Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.

I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.

If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!

My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth

We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.

I was naked.

She was afraid.

I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.

COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”