Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.

Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?

Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’

*running from cops*
Me: hey wait hold up if we’re gonna do this i really should be wearing my fitbit
Cop: yeah me too good idea

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.

Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep

Job interviewer: …and a weakness?

Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.

The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.

Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.

I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.

If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact

*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*

Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.

[getting murdered]

“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”

Life hack: if you run out of treadmill space for your clothes get a piano

Breaking news:

Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.

Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?

“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”

“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”

I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase

I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.

Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around

Me: I promise you I do not

Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.

[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”

Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.

Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…

Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.

this is the single funniest twitter ad i’ve ever seen. it gets better the more you look at it. they used to have apple and nike advertising on this website

“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish

Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.

Me: You are stupid.

Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically

I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.