Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at an age where I don’t spring into action.
I dead of winter into action.

I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.

LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT

I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.

I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never

I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.

they told me I could be anything and then they were like “lmao just kidding, you’re going to be a test subject in mankind’s fifteenth experiment to find out if expensive rent and food makes everyone lose their fucking minds”

Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.

What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A billiard table.

My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic

Me: Excuse me sir, can you please forward my X-ray and breast exam results to my doctor

Airport security:…

Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka

Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”

Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there

guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead

shawn: a shawnce

sean: I have a better idea

Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour

my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*

when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions

I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.

hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”

… when can I look forward to that starting?

it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift

My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media

I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed

A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?

[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues

growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go

Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.

Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet

*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN

People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.

Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.

[zombie wedding]

Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*

Stranger: “Excuse me, is this train we’re on going to ?”

You: “Yes, it is…”

Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

“…at least I hope so!!”