@beisswrandon

If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you

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@AngryRaccoon2

One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.

Until then, I’ll keep eating.

@Brampersandon_

WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe

@yoyoha

Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁

@sannewman

Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise

Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people

@TheIntComShow

Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness

– Romayo and Juliet

@longwall26

If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”

@NolaChef504

Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.

@noaccountlurker

For years I thought I was depressed. Then I got divorced. Turns out it was marriage, not depression.

@AFP

#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant