If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
You Might Also Like
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
I’m not sorry.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.
i wear corduroys on every flight so that if we crash these thicc thighs can create the fire we need to survive.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
They don’t put calorie counts or serving suggestions on boxed wine. They know you’ve got enough problems already.
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
Another successful newsletter unsubscribe.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
When someone asks me if my twins are natural I tell them no they’re robots.
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
look at me when i’m typing to you
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
How to make ‘Small Talk’ with an Introvert:
Step 1: Identify the introvert
Step 2: Smile at the introvert and walk away without speaking
Step 3: Understand that the introvert enjoyed your time together