Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”

Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.

[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit

The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there

☠️

I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.

If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store

toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*

me: [flicking through memory book] aww and this is my first pet, hammy the hamster

gf: you know you could have just taken a photo

THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.

Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.

the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison

“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”

When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.

A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.

I felt a fool.

Everyone else was wearing clothes.

I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying

I’d love this before and after shot…lol

I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”

A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”

I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.

When Adam and Eve ate the apple I remember thinking, “Well, that’s a sin, but at least it’s original.”

My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉

me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”

cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”

me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”

Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous

Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?

*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way

*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?

Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep

[sitting at a table]

Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number

*thermostat negotiations*