If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
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*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
Sometimes I think I should introduce myself to my neighbors just so they don’t describe me to the police as “Quiet and keeps to herself.”
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
