*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
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The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
Pass gas, not judgment.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Give me one reason why I shouldn’t pass this math class
“You held up 2 fingers just now”
Ok then give me that many reasons
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
If you breakdance you buy dance.
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.