If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
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My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Trying to describe I want it rough in bed: “Koolaid Man my cervix.”
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
dutch is not a serious language
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Voting for coroner
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one