Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.

“You ordered a Grande.”

Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.

“Sir, please just take her.”

I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.

“so i had the dream again last night,”

priest: *sighs* again, dreaming about sleeping with the green m&m is not a sin. weird, but not a sin

(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.

Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?

By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.

doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live

me: oh my god. you’re lying

doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not

You can’t scare me, you’re not getting my kids ready for school all by myself

In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!

In my 40s : uh oh

The early 2000s

My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool

Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys

absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys

if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.

*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*

Is this a date? It feels like a date.

life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not

After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.

yikes

Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)

Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.

Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat

[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators

You can’t rush stupid.

Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.

Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”

[touring beyonce’s house]

me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx

Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry

Secret to peaceful parenting is to never tell your child the plans for the day

Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.