Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.

whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know

My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it

Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this

Me: I like a full bodied wine.

Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.

Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.

I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me

these can’t be my only options

This meeting could have been a cake

Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food

Priorities

I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.

Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

#TrueStory

Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?

Take me now, covid.

Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…

I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.

If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.

Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.

[me as a snake handler]

Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.

I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.

Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.

Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.

My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.

My great grandma used to regift the same nice plaid button-up shirts to my great grandpa every year. He’d thank her for them and then save them for a special occasion, and when Christmas came she’d wrap them again. He never seemed to notice.

My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.

Friend: You need help?

Me: I need to write a couple letters.

Friend: OK

Me: Not those.

I’m not saying you’re stupid, but you look like the kind of guy who’d play Russian roulette with an automatic pistol.

I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.

told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something

Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks

.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?