If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
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“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
we all have needs. I need my wife to go run errands so I can swipe the last cherry danish.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
[gym]
Personal Trainer: (looking at my workout journal) You were supposed to record the weight you lifted, not how the workouts made you feel.
Me: oh
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
McDonald’s should put a nativity scene in all their restaurants in December.
Call it the McCrib
I bought a fridge magnet but it’s yet to attract a single fridge.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
This guy’s not having it 😆
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Found 78 cents in the dryer this morning & all I’ve got to say is this family is not making it worth my while.
*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
hmm conte-me mais
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.