If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.
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Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
My workout goals are simple: I’d just like to be able to get up off the floor without looking like a turtle trying to flip itself back over.
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
I wish all tests were things you peed on
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.