If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
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Music FACT: For security reasons, Kenny Loggins changes his name every 28 days.
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
I think suicide is selfish because there’s probably somebody out there who already really wants to kill you
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.