If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
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VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
i was one of the palm trees waving around in the background of every 16 bit game in the 90’s so yes random guy you do know me from somewhere
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
You don’t have to say “I love you too,” pizza man.
But it was nice of you.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
this isn’t threatening at all
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
who else up pondering the strange drawings on their door