If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
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You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
*time traveler returns from 2021*
“Everybody’s at home, day drinking and proving they’re not robots or cats.”
Guys, I need a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
waiter: i’m sorry sir, but your card has been declined
me: run it again
waiter: i ran it three times
me: *to my date* omg this is so embarrassing. do you mind taking care of it?
her: no problem! *grabs waiter by the collar and pulls him close* he said run it again
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.