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Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
If you go into a bar by yourself and ask for a water the bartender looks at you like you have leprosy.
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
This is my last day in my 30s. Please send thoughts and prayers… or money. That helps too.
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
Yup….perfect score!
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave