Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?

guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should

There’s no way the Ninja Turtles would have those ripped abs. You can’t do crunches with a shell attached to your back. Trust me I’ve tried.

Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.

Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.

(genuine human laughter)

A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.

Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀

Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐

If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.

Her: How pathetic can you be?

Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.

God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”

Angel: We’re out of human heads.

God: “Hand me a pineapple.”

My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”

I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.

Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.

Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)

Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”

Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”

A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.

Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.

SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*

CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!

Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs

the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus

Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.

No one told me that by encouraging my kid to play soccer I’d also be encouraging him to kick everything and anything he can possibly get his foot on regardless of time, space, location and roundness.

Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.

Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?

ladies if you’re bored and itching to fight ask him if he’d still love you if you were deathly allergic to love

Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i can cry

professor x: on command?

me: no just when i’m sad or whatever

professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?

me: nope

professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?

Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?

How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test

Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?

Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me

They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!