If hiding things in the trash from my kids were an Olympic sport, I’d be a disgrace to my country.
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scared to check what name she chose
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
If you watch Titanic backwards it’s about a boy named Jack who leaves his underwater home, saves a rich lady, puts a sinking ship back together through sheer power of will and then becomes super poor and dirty
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Just one more chapter! (via @someecards)
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
A toddler made fun of me today, and I got weirdly upset for a guy who can have a cookie literally whenever he wants.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”