Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.

That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.

*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers

wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

Did I break my fitbit record? yes

Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes

Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher

Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?

My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese

So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.

Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”

As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that

When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped

*me

She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”

Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

DOCTOR: i have good news and bad news

SCHRÖDINGER: give me both at the same time

if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.

One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.

Negotiator: I need proof of life.

Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.

Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?

Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.

I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it

That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material

I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.

Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.

Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.

Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.

Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!

Me: Yeah that was me

Gmail: No it was on another device!

Me: Yes my tablet

Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!

Me: what no

Gmail: CALL THE POLICE

Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?

My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.

Teacher: Name the continents

Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…

T: Go on

Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?

T: *sigh*

Me: South Arctica?

mr. rogers: can you get me a pack of camels

amelia bedelia: *comes back with a caravan*

*gets taste of own medicine*

Yep this is my medicine

[MURDER SCENE]

ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief

CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample