If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
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even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Nose
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Filling animals with helium is kinda weird, but whatever floats your goat.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
Baby are you the middle of July because I was not ready for you at all and feel very aware that I should have been working out
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.