Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
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cry laughing at this shit
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
Manicotti implies the existence of Pedicotti.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
I go trick or treating dressed as a postman early in the morning and do the postman’s exact route one house ahead so no one trusts him.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
kids: the floor is lava
teens: the floor is laundry
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
I’m boycotting 50 Shades of Grey because it perpetuates the stereotype that men can change.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
TV Show Idea:
Speculation news.
A sort of news programme that uses a small amount of information and stretches it out for hours on end with absolutely no further facts other than speculation based on nothing at all, by self appointed experts in unrelated subjects.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.