Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Omg, I literally just died”

-people who literally don’t know what literally means

Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.

“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”

*the man grating parmesan stops*

“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”

When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.

I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.

And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone

[Arriving in Hell]

*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*

*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson

i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy

Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-

TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now

attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin

What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.

Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?

Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.

They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff

Don’t be that guy that goes around saying “Don’t Be That Guy.”

coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad

[At dinner with wife’s friends]

Me: may I chime in

Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-

*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*

“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”

-Low-hanging fruit

[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]

Me: one internet please

[ opening music ]

scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus

everyone: lol

[ roll credits ]

Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*

Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*

ME: I shot a man in Reno–

YOU: Just to watch him die? haha

ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.

I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.

Bella always knew her human wasn’t particularly sophisticated but red wine with tilapia really was the final straw.

We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.

You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.