If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
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What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
After you read 5 tweets about fires, Twitter just gives you a certificate and a fire hose 😆
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
If I knew I’d one day have to pick a baby name, I wouldn’t have held so many grudges
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
“I love coffee”, she says while pouring half a gallon of creamer into her mug
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture