If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
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[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
unstable person: “jet fuel doesn’t melt steel beams, 9/11 was an inside job”
stable person: “i look after horses”
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Life with a cat in one tweet
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
My 5yo: WHY DID I NOT GO TO THE FUNERAL?
Me: Well, you would have had to be quiet for an hour.
5: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. I AM REALLY NOT GOOD AT THAT.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
me as a parent
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
This a good idea
