If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
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I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.