If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
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I’m so thrilled hockey is starting I could nap
I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
This is the one
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People who say losing weight is “just math” clearly have no idea how far out of my way I go to avoid math.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
What is the German word for being sad that you finished all the food
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Has there ever been a more American story?
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Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”