If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
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“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now