Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
If history is any indication a lot more stuff is bound to happen.
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Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me: it took him a couple bytes
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
The most underused drug is birth control pills.
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
Assuming makes an ass out of u and Ming, the thai food delivery boy who you assumed was from Thailand but is actually Chinese.
Five chickens leave Topeka traveling west at 25 mph. Please help me find them chickens. Those are my chickens.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.