Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.

i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”

Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood

Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*

At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.

I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.

[recording studio]

me: [into microphone] studio

sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it

“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!

If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”

Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.

The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW

My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.

Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”

I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.

DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?

Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.

Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?

“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”

“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”

“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”

“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”

Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.

A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance

first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him

Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.

Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.

I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…

An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings

“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”

Have a lovely day 😊

I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.

[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.

I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.