Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet

Tattoos are a nice way to forever honor loved ones, like family members who have passed away, or skulls with bat wings that have passed away

“Shake your money maker”

Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*

“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

Parenting explained

Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at mom

Them: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad

I gave a co-worker my word today …

And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …

Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?

Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…

Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men

Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.

me: how can I impress my date

friend: buy her dinner

me: ok

[later at the restaurant]
her: what?

me: I said how much do you want for your burger?

kevin is now a local weatherman

Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.

Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.

Customer: do you sell {item}?

Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in

Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*

When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.

me when somebody idk start touching me

My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.

Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.

awkward

You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.

My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe

I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm

the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)

Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that

When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.

Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep

*gets several new followers on Sunday

*adds Jesus to resume