Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”

Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….

I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.

Rumor has it, that if you look up from your phone you can see all kinds of pretty colors in the trees this time of year.

[Entire house is full of trees]
Girlfriend: What did you do?!
Me: You told me to spruce things up.
GF: Everything’s stuck to everything!!!

I use a wheelchair. I love it when people ask me if I know one of their friends in a wheelchair, like we’re all in a secret wheelchair club.

I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like

Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.

People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?

“i’ll be back”

–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume

Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10

Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.

mom: please, please just go play with the other children

christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed

Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.

The interesting thing about stabbing somebody in the chest with a giant sharpened stick is it will kill them whether they’re a vampire or just a regular dude

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International

I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur

spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores

I’m putting together a team

Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.

Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day

Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?

Me: How dare you

Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM

Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little

babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu

Him: So, it cost me my life savings and all my inheritance but you’re worth it, I booked us a trip on Virgin Galactic

Me: Umm…when I said I wanted space…

By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?

Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough

[on the phone]

Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem

Just opened my water bill and my electricity bill at the same time…

I was shocked.

Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.