Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Don’t shoot your gun at the hurricane” the government says. I’ll do my own research thanks

Me: Do you want some more toast?

3yo: Yes

Me: Pardon?

3yo: Yes

Me: Yes, what?

3yo: ……

Me: What’s the magic word?

3yo: Abracadabra

I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.

California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring

You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”

Son: what are those wrinkles

Me: crows feet

Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you

Me:

School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*ruler

School supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggies

Apparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.

Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.

Women do not want to hear what you think..

They want to hear what they think..

In a deeper voice……

Wife: you wanna play monopoly?
Me: sure if there’s one thing we need to do more of as a couple it’s recreational arguing

Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.

Husband: *bleeding*

Me: *calling 911*

Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.

Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.

Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”

whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.

Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.

Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.

15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.

Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no

accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would

#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.

It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.

How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl

[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]

TSA agent: Good evening sir

Me: Nothing

When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.

only targaryens can ride dragons?

explain this game of thrones

If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president

When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.

[driving]

ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.

every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong