If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
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Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
My sense of humor is so dark that my grandmother would have been very unhappy if my sister went on a date with it.
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.