Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.

Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible

I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.

My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.

I call bullshit.

Ah, 50s…you just keep on giving.

Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!

Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?

Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!

every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood

Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes

Sober me: I hate drunk people

Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT

Hug your kids as often as possible.

They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock

Before a PhD: I don’t know.

After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%

Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud

I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.

There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.

What the dentist sees

ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night

WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?

Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.

Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?

but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME

me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?

her: wedding attire?

me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man

If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold

Possum 911: What’s your emergency

Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!

Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?

Possum: Oh yeah

[first date]

ME: How do you spend your free time?

HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?

ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.

Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.

So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.

Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?

3yo: No.

Hubs: Is that a new one?

3yo: Yes.

Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?

3yo: …Yes.

An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.

“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats

[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin: