If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
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When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Health and fitness is really important to me
Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Babies have little hands and odd sleep schedules which is why my gym for buff infants has miniature equipment and stays open 24hrs.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
