Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.

They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.

Getting out of bed in the morning always gave me a headache until I tried it feet first.

Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.

My cooking anxiety: I got this!

72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response

I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.

“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”

-The Eclairvoyant

Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.

Croquettes are not female crocodiles

ME: *gets down on one knee*

HER: omg

ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome

It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.

COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?

ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.

You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.

Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.

when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future

Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish

I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.

People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.

Deadpool was Green Lantern

Batman was Daredevil

Captain America was Human Torch

And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???

My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:

They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.

I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.

Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.

My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie

My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night

Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.

If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.

I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby

My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.

LAUGHING.

When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.

I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.