If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
You Might Also Like
hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
I’m so glad that I made the right financial decision in 2018 and ditched my $89/mo cable package so that I can now pay $83/mo for YouTube TV, $23/mo for Netflix, $16/mo for Disney+, $13/mo for Paramount, $15/mo for Prime, $10/mo for AppleTV, and $21/mo for HBO
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
I use a wheelchair. I’m in charge of distributing nonalcoholic beverages at parties. I roll with the punches.
My cousin Clevis says he can cure people of overeating. For $50 a day, he’ll follow you around, and any time he sees you with junk food, he’ll stab you with a fork.
He calls it “snackupuncture.”
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Friday night party time 🥳
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.