If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
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[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Instead of saying I agree 100%, I like to say I agree 80%, just to leave myself a little wiggle room in case your theory turns out retarded.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee