Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS

I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.

I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’

I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.

HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!

HEATHER: You wanna bet?

Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.

Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.

Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.

ME: stay away from the cat

MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n t

ME: ur gonna get scratched again

MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.

So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…

Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.

If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur

Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.

A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?

i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake

It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?

My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.

My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.

Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”

“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.

My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn

I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way

Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.

I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware

People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.

What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?

*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*

Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts

Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts

…you’re right, I do feel better now.