If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
You Might Also Like
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
My documentary ‘I Have Stolen All Your Chairs’ just received a 90 minute standing ovation at Cannes
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
People who love dark chocolate are always so snobby about it. Relax. It’s just chocolate, you elitist ninnies.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.