Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok

[later]

announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd

me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks

Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang

🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶

*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*

Him: Is that a new shampoo?

I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.

It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.

People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.

condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids

Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.

[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse

Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?

I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.

Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.

Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?

Me: Vodka

Guy: That’s classy

Me: Not in the amounts I drink

moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow

8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.

Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.

[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him

Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.

Cop: This is a ticket for drunk and disorderly behavior.
Me: Can I have another? I’d like to bring a guest.

Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.

every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.

[i arrive in hell]

Satan: welcome

Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol

Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up

Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao

Satan:

Me:

Satan:

[i arrive in super hell]

“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.

A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.

I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.

A food delivery system that only delivers food containing potatoes.

Tuber Eats.

Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.

I think my first day working for Microsoft is going really well.

When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”