If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
You Might Also Like
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
A jury of my peers wouldn’t get out of bed
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*
My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times
My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds
A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”
There is still no bar
When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.