If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
You Might Also Like
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
“I’m going in the back for a Zoom meeting.”
“Why are your meetings always right when the kids all flood into the library after school?”
“The committee chair schedules the meetings.”
“Who’s your committee chair?”
“I refuse to answer on the grounds that it may incriminate me.”
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat
JK it’s spam
Sponch
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Never put a toaster in the bathtub. Nobody likes soggy toast.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?