If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
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My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
I have a spider bite in my ear, which brings up the even more disturbing point: there was a spider in my ear
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
my card declined at subway and they started eating the sandwich in front of me
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
I wonder if any student will ever top this email.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
Florida be like…
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.