Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who talk to themselves tend to be great lovers.
Did you know that?
Yes, I did know that.
Thank you for asking.

Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?

Me: Well I had diarrhea that day

Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?

Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day

*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.

On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.

PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face

COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect

the worst part about being vegan is having to get up early to milk the almonds

Me: NO!

Him: What? I haven’t even said anything

Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to

To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice

Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation

Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon

I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no

My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.

Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:

Music: Jimi Hendrix

Science: Albert Einstein

Business: Michael Scott

I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.

Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?

If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.

onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it

My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something

I need to get organized and plan ahead

*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey

The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.

Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra

Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years

Me: I was at the karaoke bar

Cop: Oh I see lol

Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?

Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.

If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.

If you pronounce “shoes” like “toes”, you end up saying “shows”, but if you pronounce “toes” like “shoes” you end up saying “twos”.
And other thoughts about the English language that keep me up at night

Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.

Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*

Hubs: You treat me like a child

Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.

I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.

*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*

Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.

me: how’d the date go

friend: i got ghosted

me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out