If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
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Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
The keys to a successful marriage include separate bank accounts, separate bathrooms, and separate Netflix profiles
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
When they try to steal your moment.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Sunday
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.