If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
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I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Ironic
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
My one-year-old niece has started saying “bye-bye” when she wants people to leave. Honestly, I’ve never been so influenced by a toddler before
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Wife: *through tears* An 11 foot tombstone seems a bit excessive
Funeral director: Ma’am, your husband was adamant in his wish to list his favorite breakfast cereals ranked by prize quality
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Hate it when you’re getting rad footage of an accident scene to put on Facebook & some loser says “Hey, aren’t you the paramedic we called?”
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Stop sending me this shit.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.