Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume

*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop

if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial

if you were born after 2005 you are gen z

if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas

No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs

Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?

I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again

How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset

My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”

None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.

GF: that spoon is still dirty

ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher

GF: I can see the mayo on it

ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now

Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.

My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.

Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate

Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!

Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.

Shopping for a toaster yesterday I came across this review.

“Easy to use instructions.”

afraid of taking two toddlers on an outing alone? take the single seat stroller thereby assuring the kids will fight relentlessly over it and forget about running off. follow me for more dashing parenting tips

“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”

The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.

ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*

ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5

“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.

Friend: How was your job interview?

Me: I think I hugged him too long.

I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.

This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.

“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog

I work 24/7 – which is about 3.42 hours.

*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*

Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now

Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced

Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.