if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
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Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
#Caturday
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
I’ll never forget my grandad’s last words on his deathbed.
He said: “I should never have bought this deathbed. Asking for trouble…”
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
founder of costco: [drunk as hell] it’s gonna have hot dogs and optometrists
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: …no
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
Deciding which personality is going to respond to an email
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
I once went out with a girl that said she was flexible like a Slinky. Two flights of stairs later, I decided she wasn’t.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.