If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
You Might Also Like
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
you should be allowed to list your landlord as a dependant
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
Good news, my mom’s friend’s sister’s cousin’s cat doesn’t have ringworm
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Our son came home one day with
a note from his first grade teacher:Your son bit another boy today.
Is he getting enough to eat at home ?