Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cinema or bowling

Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.

How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?

Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.

…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.

Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.

[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH

Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro

If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention

If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.

Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’

Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.

if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:

ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing

kale: smug sense of superiority

bacon: bacon

The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.

coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way

me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding

[philosophy class]

PROFESSOR: u must question everything

[later]

ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!

[job interview]

BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person

ME: Well I’m definitely a human

All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.

There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.

me: dating is hard

me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship

cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor

Boating season is upon us.

my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?

my husband and i: ………👀

6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?

*synchronized sigh of relief*

Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness

My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.

I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?

“Don’t take this wrong but…”

Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.

4: Mom can I have a snack?

Me: Yeah hang on

4: Did you mean yes?

Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother

You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.

Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.