If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
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At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
BRO LMFAO
[Toothpaste Laboratory]
Dentist 1: Yes
Dentist 2: Yes
Dentist 3: Yes
Dentist 4: Yes
Dentist 5: Not so fast…
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
“no gods no masters” = leo
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one