Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.

Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it

bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul

Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.

Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*

Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.

pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost

11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini

I keep screenshots the way my husband keeps old cords, stored neatly away until the day I might need them.

[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it

Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.

@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck

Bought some of that edible cookie dough.

Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.

Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.

Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering

HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?

ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.

Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?

Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X

In truth, spiders are harmless*

*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.

At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.

Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.

If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.

British parking sign:

———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————

If I had gone to Rydell High, I would have walked right up to Rizzo and asked, “Rizzo? Is that short for Chorizzo?”

Target employee: Describe your lost item

Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside

My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”

How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it

When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.

I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.

there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”

“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice

Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!

My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.