if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
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Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
I will never stop laughing at this
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
A large, angry man accosted me in the street earlier — demanding my money…
Fortunately, I’ve watched a lot of Scooby Doo — and, so, adopted the manner of a dictatorial French barber. And, whilst the man grudgingly seated himself for an impromptu trim, I made my escape.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
[Flirting in a bar]
ME: Did it hurt…
HER: …
ME: …when you fell down from that balcony?
PARAMEDIC: Sir, I won’t ask again
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Why do cannibals never eat rich kids?
Because they’re spoiled
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”