if humanity is so smart how come it took 6000 years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase
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Guy who likes music
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
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Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
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[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.