Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement

People who point out today is the longest day of the year sure as shit don’t have a 7 year old

straighten your back and drink some water you dehydrated banana

Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.

me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*

Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.

Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.

Ad: Buy 4, get one free.

Me: I’ll take 10 then.

Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.

I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.

you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner

One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”

[first day as a doctor]

me: we need to amputate your son’s leg

mother: i want a second opinion!

me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually

mother: no, another doctor

another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite

TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:

1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie

Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?

[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on

Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.

We are not the same.

cat faces on other animals, a thread

I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.

Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.

Me: Head shoulders knees & toes

Doctor: ok no problem

Me: eyes ears mouth & nose

Doctor: that’s a different guy

[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it

Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?

Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does

When my sugar daddy told me no, I asked my sugar mommy, and my sugar daddy found out and now I’m sugar grounded.

I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.

Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?

Me: Nice try, Santa.

Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things

Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]

I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.

You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.

WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:

•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.

PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.

Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.