if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
You Might Also Like
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
omg leave her alone
Not with that attitude
The two types of wives
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
I’m Kodak hut old. So I know a thing or two about humiliation, I had to pick up my own nudes, in person.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
I’m not saying murder is the answer, but every time an ex dies, so do some of your darkest secrets.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
Reminder:
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan