Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-

Vampire: wow

Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-

Vampire: WOW

Lo AND behold? in this economy?

My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.

Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.

Bread.
The kid likes bread.

Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable prices

Cons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press

“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code

[Having a tea party]

Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*

Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”

The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.

Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.

Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.

Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.

wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat

Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.

me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to

my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?

[first time golfing]

caddy: which club would you like sir

me: do you have turkey

The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice

There’s nothing like new glasses to make you realize you should get new glasses more often than every five years. Like, ah yes, trees have leaves. Birds. I’d forgotten all about them.

Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.

Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics

I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.

WATSON: do you even have a proper education?

SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson

WATSON: but, like, beyond that

SHERLOCK: nah

Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?

I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket

The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend

Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.

Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.

I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat