Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke

I’m just going to flip my omelette here
Anddddddddd
I’m actually having scrambled eggs now

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.

When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

my mind

You just read my mind

Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.

My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.

Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?

Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.

While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.

*stranded on a dessert island*
Day 1: This is paradise!
Day 2: I have eaten far too much chocolate cake.

I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.

I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!😂

Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!

You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…

Yeah, well I ate her.

What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.

My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.

at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.

“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”

My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions

doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day

doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall

Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.

Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?

– Horton Hears a Hugh

Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?

Dumb Bob: You add S.

T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.

DB: [writes] SNAIL

The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it

If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.

me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?

WIFE: Are you dipping your fries in mashed potatoes?

ME: The Amazon is on fire, Helen. The old rules are dead.