@frankiemuniz

If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.

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@KateWhineHall

I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?

@voguetony

me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents

@UrMindBlown

What if im actually attractive and hot girls just think im out of their league?

@TellingTellers

An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.

@NervousJr

Oh you have a hard time gaining weight?

That’s cool.

Here, hold this grenade.

@mrjohndarby

[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone

[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how

@sarcasticmommy4

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

@AaronFullerton

“Oh, don’t use that picture of me, honey. Please, I look so old in that one. You must have a better picture.” -Whistler’s Mother

@WilliamAder

If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.

@WeedlordKrillin

Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops