If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
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Just know that when times get tough and you see two sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when Elmo and Tracy Chapman are carrying you
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
If Pringles really wanted the fun to never stop they’d make those tube things like 5 feet long.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
A French press is when you hug naked
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Some people are legally blind. What happens to the illegally blind?
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.