if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
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Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
What the dentist sees
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old