Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!

(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies

I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.

*pogo stick inventor* I got you.

Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:

Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.

Thanks,
The rest of us

cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)

Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it

Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?

Me: Eleven confirmed

JI: What?

Me: What?

You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.

I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.

*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear

Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.

“I’d like to raise a toast.”

*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*

Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.

Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.

I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.

MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs

ME: in case we get lost

MOM: we’re in an ikea

ME:

MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?

friend: how’s the new job?

me: can’t complain

friend: what’s with the beeping collar?

me: *tearing up* can’t complain

Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?

If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.

karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello

The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.

Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”

WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!

So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.

Spice up grocery lists for your partner:

Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea

I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer

fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin

added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.

“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”